oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
