Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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