i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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