You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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