The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The air taste purple.
Randomize
