this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
