so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
