If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My balls are so social today.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
