No stitches, just platelets and will power
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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