I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
