The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
