you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
too bad you live with your parents still
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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