I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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