i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
