Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I could make wine with my vomit
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
The ass gains better be worth it
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