life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
