I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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