I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
