so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
