Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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