sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
