I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
