I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
MIDGETS
????
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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