My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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