woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Im part way to drunk.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
