It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
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