in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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