My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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