just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
