A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
