my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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