His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
