I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
