your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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