Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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