After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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