i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
