I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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