im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
