Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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