No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just want nice things and good sex
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
