If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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