i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
