Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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