it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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