Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You're like the curious george of whores
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Bring me that man meat
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
