i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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