Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
