help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
