I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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