that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
