A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Edward fifth and chaser hands
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
